You did something to the carbonara. We both know it.
Cream. Chicken. Peas. Perhaps — God forgive you — you called it Alfredo. Somewhere in Italy a grandmother felt a sudden pain in her chest and did not know why.
That was you.
There is one path to redemption. Send €1 to a real Italian — not for charity, for it is Italy and they are fine, but for penance. One euro to say, spiritually, I am sorry.
An Examination of Conscience
Search your soul. You have committed at least one.
- I.Cream, poured where no cream belongs.The first and gravest of crimes.
- II.Chicken, laid upon the pasta.
- III.Peas.There is no excuse. There has never been an excuse.
- IV.Bacon, mistaken for guanciale.
- V.Pre-grated parmesan, shaken from a green tube.
- VI.The word "Alfredo," spoken aloud near the dish.
- VII.Garlic, in quantities visible from space.
- VIII.The spaghetti, snapped in two before the pot.A grandmother somewhere has stopped speaking to you.
Purchase Your Indulgence
As is the custom.
A plenary indulgence remits the full penalty of your culinary sin. The fee is one euro, payable below. The money passes to one (1) actual Italian, who absolves you on behalf of the nation and, where reachable, a grandmother in Abruzzo.
per soul · per sin · non-refundable
Pay €1 · Receive Absolution →This offer expires upon the birth of our Lord — at the stroke of Christmas Eve, the 24th of December. No late penitents.
The Confessional
Kneel and confess. Your sin is recorded in the parish register, for all to witness.
— The Parish Register —